Radio Copy
Following are some of the thousands of radio commercials I've written over the past two years. Yes, thousands. Writing commercials for radio is done very rapidly, as clients often make last minute decisions about buys and the spots need to be written and produced on very little notice. Some of the spots below were written in under 10 minutes, not by choice, but because of need.
To make things slightly easier to decipher, I've arranged the commercials by "theme." There will be some overlap, of course (some of the "sex" spots might also be automotive, and vice-versa), but you'll just have to deal. You'll notice that the commercials are typed in all capital letters, and often ignore rules of spelling and/or grammar. When you're writing a radio commercial, these things don't matter, since the only important thing is that the production people can read it clearly enough. If you're a good writer, but you can't spell worth a damn, radio copywriting may be for you.
Adventure
Academy of Learning - "Star Trick"
Voices: V1.Kirk, V2.Chekov, V3.Bones, V4.Spock
Sfx & music: Random ambient beeps and pings throughout spot
(music Play first bar of Star Trek theme, fading into Kirk...)
V1. CAPTAIN'S LOG. STARDATE 1997. IT HAS BECOME CLEAR THAT MY CREW LACKS SOME ESSENTIAL COMPUTER SKILLS...(music out)
V2. UH, KIPTIN? MY COMPUTER IS NOT VORKING.
V1. WHICH ONE, CHEKOV? THE '486?
V2. UH...486...487...I'M NOT CERTAIN.
V1. BONES, IS YOUR COMPUTER WORKING?
V3. DAMNIT JIM, I'M A DOCTOR, NOT A COMPUTER PROGRAMMER!
V1. SPOCK...WHAT...CAN...WE...DO?
V4. LOGICAL CAPTAIN. SEND THE CREW TO THE ACADEMY OF LEARNING. THEY TEACH COMPUTER AND BUSINESS SKILLS TO INDIVIDUALS AND EMPLOYEES VIA A FLEXIBLE TRAINING SCHEDULE, WITH COURSES EVENINGS AND SATURDAYS. AND THEIR EXCLUSIVE INTEGRATED LEARNING SYSTEM WHICH COVERS ALL MAJOR SOFTWARE PROGRAMS ALLOWS STUDENTS TO ADVANCE AS RAPIDLY AS THEIR ABILITY ALLOWS.
V1. YES...BUT...FOR...HOW...LONG...CAN YOU STUDY?
V4. THE SYSTEM ALLOWS STUDENTS TO REPEAT LESSONS OR SEEK PERSONAL HELP UNTIL THEY'VE MASTERED A SKILL. THE ACADEMY ALSO OFFERS A FREE TWO HOUR INTRODUCTORY COURSE AND POST COURSE TELEPHONE ASSISTANCE. IT'S EVEN TAX DEDUCTABLE.
V1. SULU, LAY IN A COURSE FOR THE ACADEMY OF LEARNING. 1244 ABBOTT ROAD, BUFFALO. LIEUTENANT UHURA, OPEN A CHANNEL AND CALL THEM AT 827-8973. THAT'S 827-8973 FOR THE ACADEMY OF LEARNING.
Flix Superplex - "News Flash"
Voices: V1.Male, V2.Van Dusen, V3.Female
Sfx & music: See below
V1. WE INTERRUPT THIS BROADCAST TO BRING YOU THIS LATE BREAKING STORY. WE GO LIVE TO OUR MAN IN THE STREET. DAN VOOSEN.
(sfx horrible sirens and screeching and screams, like a disaster) V2. STEVE, I AM SURROUNDED BY DISASTERS HERE AT THE NEW FLIX SUPERPLEX, 4901 TRANSIT ROAD IN LANCASTER. THERE'S...
V1. HOLD ON DAN. FLIX SUPERPLEX? WITH COMFORTABLE SEATS, THE LATEST RELEASES ON 10 WIDE SCREENS, AND DIGITAL SOUND?
V2. YES, AND PEOPLE ARE RUNNING IN HERE...EXCUSE ME MA'AM. WHY ARE YOU HERE?
V3. WHO WOULDN'T BE? FLIX HAS REFRESHMENTS AND TICKETS THAT ARE CHEAPER THAN OTHER THEATERS. MATINEE SHOWS ARE JUST 4 DOLLARS, THERE'S AMPLE PARKING...NOW EXCUSE ME. I DON'T WANT TO MISS THE PLANE CRASH.
V2. YES STEVE, IT APPEARS THAT SOME CONVICTS HAVE HIJACKED A PLANE AND CRASHED IT IN CON AIR. (sfx static) CAN YOU HEAR ME? I'M ALSO GETTING REPORTS ABOUT A DINOSAUR FROM THE LOST WORLD (sfx static) HERE AT FLIX. 4901 TRANSIT ROAD IN LANCASTER. (sfx static cuts him off)
V1. IT APPEARS WE'VE LOST DAN. I'LL TRY TO CALL HIM AT 668-FLIX. 668-3549. WE WOULD LIKE TO REMIND EVERYONE TO GO TO FLIX IF YOU WANT TO SEE THE LATEST, BIGGEST MOVIES. WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR REGULAR BROADCAST.
Walter's Wild Wilderness Walk - "W"
Voices: Male
Sfx & music: Adventurous
V1. WE'RE DEEP IN THE WOODS WITH WALTER WILD, WORLD-RENOWNED WILDERNESS GUIDE. WALTER, WHY ARE WE HERE?
V2. WELL, WE'RE HERE IN THE WOODS FOR THE ADVENTURE OF A LIFETIME! IT'S WALTER'S WILD WILDERNESS WALK!
V1. WOW!
V2. WOW IS RIGHT! ON WALTER'S WILD WILDERNESS WALK I WILL PERSONALLY SERVE AS YOUR TOUR GUIDE FOR AN OUTDOOR WEEKEND ADVENTURE FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.
V1. MY FAMILY?
V2. EVERYONE'S FAMILY! IT'S TWO FULL DAYS OF WILD FUN! WE'LL WALK THROUGH THE WOODS. CANOE DOWN WATERWAYS. CHECK OUT ALL SORTS OF COOL WILDLIFE. SIT BY THE CAMPFIRE. AND BREATHE MOUNTAIN AIR. IT'S A FULL WEEKEND OF AMAZING ADVENTURES THAT YOU'LL NEVER FORGET.
V1. IT SOUNDS WILD.
V2. IT IS! AND IT'S EASY TO GET INVOLVED. JUST CALL 716-460-7777 FOR INFORMATION AND RESERVATIONS. THAT'S 716-460-7777 FOR WALTER'S WILD WILDERNESS WALK.
V1. IT'S THE WILDEST WEEKEND ADVENTURE YOU'LL EVER HAVE!
Whirlpool Jet Boats - "Scary ride"
Voices: Male
Sfx & music: See below
(serious, scary voice, ominous music, rushing water sfx)
ONE MILE DOWNSTREAM OF NIAGARA FALLS IS THE MOST TREACHEROUS BODY OF WATER IN THE WORLD. THE UNNAVIGABLE WHIRLPOOL RAPIDS. WITHIN A FEW THOUSAND FEET, THE RIVER DROPS 60 FEET AT SPEEDS OF OVER 35 MILES PER HOUR, SPILLING INTO A DEADLY WHIRPOOL AND THE DEVIL'S HOLE RAPIDS BEYOND. NOTHING CAN SURVIVE IN THESE WATERS.
(music, sfx out)(friendly, inviting voice) HEY, WANNA GO?
(rock music in, some sort of guitar lick to kick it off, sfx and screams throughout)
(excited male read) WHIRLPOOL JET BOATS CAN TAKE YOU ON THE ADVENTURE OF A LIFETIME. DEPARTING FROM NIAGARA-ON-THE-LAKE AND LEWISTON, THESE AMAZING BOATS TAKE YOU FOR THE MOST EXCITING ONE-HOUR RIDE OF YOUR LIFE. BRING THE WHOLE FAMILY. BRING YOUR FRIENDS. WHETHER YOU'RE SIX OR A HUNDRED AND SIX, EVERYONE'S WELCOME. BUT BE FOREWARNED - YOU MAY GET A LITTLE WET.
(sfx big, huge splash and screams)
DID I SAY WET? I MEANT SOAKED!
SO IF YOU'RE LOOKIN FOR THE RIDE OF A LIFETIME, MAKE RESERVATIONS NOW WITH WHIRLPOOL JETBOAT. CALL 1-888-2-JETBOAT. 1-888-253-82-62.
(music out)(dry read) TOWELS NOT INCLUDED.
Automotive
2060 and Mark's Auto Parts - "Questions"
Voices: V1.Young girl, V2.Dad, V3.Announcer
Sfx & music: Ambient driving sounds
V1. DAD, CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?
V2. YEESH! YOU SURE ASK A LOT OF QUESTIONS! GO AHEAD - WHAT IS IT?
V1. WELL...IT'S KIND OF EMBARASSING...
V2. YOU CAN ASK ME ANYTHING. WHAT IS IT? BOY TROUBLES?
V1. NO DAD! WELL...THE KIDS AT SCHOOL WERE LAUGHING AT ME. THEY SAY YOU SPEND TOO MUCH FOR YOUR AUTO PARTS.
V2. AUTO PARTS?
V1. SURE DAD. WE WERE TALKING ABOUT TEARING DOWN A TRANSMISSION, AND I TOLD THEM HOW MUCH YOU SPENT TO FIX MOM'S CAR. ALL OF THEIR DADS GO TO TWENTY-SIXTY AUTO PARTS AND MARK'S AUTO PARTS.
V2. TRANSMISSIONS? BUT YOU'RE IN FOURTH GRADE!
V1. BUT DAD, YOU COULD SAVE A LOT AT TWENTY-SIXTY AUTO PARTS AND MARK'S AUTO PARTS. AND ALL THEIR PARTS ARE GUARANTEED, TOO.
V1. WHERE DID YOU LEARN SO MUCH ABOUT CARS?
V2. GEE DAD. YOU SURE ASK A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
V3. THERE'S NO QUESTIONING THE FACT THAT YOU'LL FIND GREAT PARTS AT GREAT PRICES AT TWENTY-SIXTY AUTOPARTS, TWENTY-SIXTY WILLIAM STREET, AND MARK'S AUTO PARTS, RIGHT DOWN THE STREET AT 1970 WILLIAM STREET. CALL 894-TWENTY-SIXTY OR 896-1616.
Gradl Motors - "Baby's First Word"
Voices: V1.Female, V2.Female, V3.Male
Sfx & music: None
V1. HEY MARY! MY BABY SAID HER FIRST WORD! SHE SAID GRADL.(long a)
V2. OH...YOU MEAN GRADL?(short a) LIKE IN JERRY GRADL MOTORS? AH, MY BABY SAID THAT WEEKS AGO.
V1. OH, NO. YOUR BABY'S SAYING IT WRONG. IT'S GRADL.(long a) AS IN JERRY GRADL (long a) MOTORS. AND MY BABY ALSO SAID THAT THEY SPECIALIZE IN LATE MODEL CARS, VANS AND TRUCKS LIKE DODGE STRATUS, HONDA ACCORD, PONTIAC GRAND AM AND JEEP CHEROKEE.
V2. OH YEAH? WELL, MY SWEETIE TOLD ME THAT IF YOU BUY A PRE-OWNED VEHICLE FROM JERRY GRADL (short a) MOTORS, YOU GET A FULLY RECONDITIONED, SERVICED AND STATE INSPECTED VEHICLE. WITH ALL WARRANTIES IN WRITING. AND NO REASONABLE OFFER REFUSED!
V2. SHE DID NOT.
V1. DID TOO. (continue arguing "Did not" "Did too" under announcer)
V3.STOP IN AT THE SPRING SALES EVENT, GOING ON NOW AT JERRY GRADL MOTORS. VISIT GRADL MOTORS' 3375 MILLERSPORT HIGHWAY LOCATION AND SEE A RARE '94 PONTIAC TRANS-AM, 25TH ANNIVERSARY EDITION, ONLY 7,000 MILES! CHECK OUT JERRY GRADL'S OTHER CONVENIENT LOCATION AT 2246 NIAGARA STREET. OR CALL 639-4001 FOR JERRY GRADL MOTORS.
V1. GRADL.(long a)
V2. GRADL.(short a)
Muck Ford - "Ford Wars"
Voices: V1.Luke, V2.Ben Kenobi
Sfx & music: A few bars of the Star Wars theme, random beeps for R2D2
(sfx random bleeps and bloops)
V1. I KNOW R2. WE'VE BEEN ALL OVER THE GALAXY LOOKING FOR A NEW STARSHIP, BUT ALL THOSE DEALERS ARE LIKE BOUNTY HUNTERS. ALL THEY WANT IS MONEY.
V2. (echo) LUKE...
V1. BEN? IS THAT YOU BEN?
V2. (echo) YES LUKE. I'M HERE TO GIVE YOU GUIDANCE.
V1. I NEED A NEW VEHICLE BEN. THIS X-WING'S FALLING APART.
V2. (echo) LUKE, YOU MUST HEAD OVER TO MUCK FORD. THERE YOU WILL FIND FRIENDLY SALESPEOPLE WHO UNDERSTAND THE OLD FASHIONED JEDI VALUES OF HONESTY AND TRUTH.
V1. AND I CAN GET A NEW STARSHIP THERE?
V2. (echo) NO LUKE. AT MUCK FORD, THEY SELL CARS. QUALITY NEW AND USED FORD CARS AND TRUCKS AT LOW PRICES. WHO COULD ASK FOR MORE? AND YOU WON'T HAVE TO GO TO A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY TO FIND THEM.
V1. THANKS BEN! R2, SET A COURSE FOR MUCK FORD. CAMPBELL AT MILLERSPORT IN AMHERST. I'LL CALL AHEAD AT 688-5454 TO LET THEM KNOW WE'RE COMING.
V2. (echo) JUST REMEMBER WHAT I'VE ALWAYS TOLD YOU LUKE. USE THE FORDS, LUKE. THE FORDS WILL BE WITH YOU, ALWAYS.
Queen City Collision - "Echo"
Voices: V1.Male employee, V2.Worried Female
Sfx & music: Upbeat, spring-like music
(sfx bell tree)(music in, faintly)
V1. WELCOME TO QUEEN CITY COLLISION. CAN I HELP YOU?
V2. I HOPE SO. I HAVE A PROBLEM.
V1. A PROBLEM? HOW COULD YOU HAVE A PROBLEM? IT'S SPRING! THE WEATHER'S NICE, THE SUN IS SHINING, THE BIRDS ARE SINGING...
V2. ...MY CAR IS TOTALLED.
V1. YOUR CAR IS TOTALLED?
V2. TOTALLY TOTALLED. I WAS IN AN ACCIDENT.
V1. WELL LET'S TAKE A LOOK. IS THAT YOUR CAR? OH, THAT'S NOT SO BAD.
V2. THAT'S NOT SO BAD?
V1. THAT'S NOT BAD AT ALL. WE CAN FIX THAT.
V2. YOU CAN FIX THAT?
V1. WE CAN FIX THAT. QUEEN CITY COLLISION WILL HAVE YOUR CAR AS GOOD AS NEW IN NO TIME. WE'VE GOT EXPERT COLOR MATCHING, AND WE CAN EVEN HELP YOU OUT WITH A FREE LOANER WHILE WE REPAIR YOUR CAR. SO NO WORRIES.
V2. NO WORRIES?
V1. NO WORRIES. HEY...IS THERE AN ECHO IN HERE?
V2. ECHO?
ANNCR. DON'T LET A LITTLE ACCIDENT RUIN YOUR WEEK. HEAD TO QUEEN CITY COLLISION. 35 COMET AVENUE AT DELAWARE AND KENMORE IN BUFFALO. CALL 877-4219. 877-4219. QUEEN CITY COLLISION.
Clubs & Bars
Crawdaddy's - "Frosty Ladies Night"
Voices: Male read
Sfx & music: High energy dance music with a good beat
WHO CARES WHO'S GOT THE HOTTEST LADIES NIGHT IN BUFFALO? CRAWDADDY'S IS THE COOLEST. THAT'S RIGHT - IT'S FROSTY FRIDAYS AT CRAWDADDY'S, THE COOLEST LADIES NIGHT IN WESTERN NEW YORK.
LADIES PAY ONE LOW PRICE AND DRINK FREE ALL NIGHT. HOW COOL IS THAT? AND GUYS, DON'T WORRY - YOU CAN STAY COOL WITH HALF-PRICE FROZEN DRINKS AND TWO DOLLAR LABATT ICE ALL NIGHT LONG.
PLUS, EVERYONE CAN CHILL OUT AND ENJOY A FREE MIDNIGHT SEAFOOD BUFFET, LOADED WITH COOL SHRIMP, OYSTERS AND CLAMS.
AND OF COURSE, CRAWDADDY'S HAS GOT A COOL OUTDOOR PATIO, SO YOU CAN KICK BACK AND WATCH THE WAVES ROLL IN. OR YOU CAN HEAD INSIDE INTO AIR-CONDITIONED COMFORT AND ENJOY THE COOLEST TOP 40, HIP-HOP, R&B AND PROGRESSIVE DANCE TILL 4 AM.
IT'S SUMMER, MAN - WHO WANTS TO GO SOMEPLACE HOT? HEAD WHERE IT'S COOL - FROSTY FRIDAYS AT CRAWDADDY'S, THE COOLEST LADIES NIGHT ANYWHERE ON THE WATERFRONT.
CRAWDADDY'S. BUFFALO'S ORIGINAL WATERFRONT ENTERTAINMENT COMPLEX, 2 TEMPLETON TERRACE AT THE ERIE BASIN MARINA DOWNTOWN. CALL 856-9191. 856-9191.
Impaxx - "Coming Soon"
Voices: V1.Male, V2.Dumb blonde female
Sfx & music: Faint music bed, reverb efx on voice where indicated
V1. COMING SOON ... (echo) ... NOVEMBER 21ST ... (echo) ... LUSCIOUS FRIDAYS ... (echo) ... IMPAXX NIGHTCLUB ... (echo) ... LADIES NIGHT ... (echo) ... IMPAXX NIGHTCLUB ... (echo) ...
(music out) V2. UM...COULD YOU SAY THAT AGAIN? LET ME WRITE THIS DOWN. (music in)
V1. (slow voice down) IMPAXX NIGHTCLUB ... LUSCIOUS FRIDAYS ... LADIES NIGHT ... NOVEMBER 21ST ... IMPAXX NIGHTCLUB ...
(music out) V2. WHERE WAS THAT AGAIN? I DROPPED MY PEN. (music in)
V1. (speed voice up) IMPAXX NIGHTCLUB ... PYRAMID PLACE ... ... NIAGARA FALLS ... LUSCIOUS FRIDAYS ... LADIES NIGHT ... IMPAXX NIGHTCLUB ...
(music out) V2. SO, LIKE, WHEN IS THIS HAPPENING? (music in)
V1. NOVEMBER 21ST... (ECHO) ... WATCH FOR IT...(echo)...LUSCIOUS FRIDAYS ... (echo) ... IMPAXX NIGHTCLUB ... (echo) ... PYRAMID PLACE ... NEXT TO THE SKYLON TOWER ... NIAGARA FALLS ... CANADA ...
(music out) V2. UM, COULD YOU REPEAT THAT?
V1. (deep bass voice) NO.
Impaxx - "Luscious Fridays"
Voices: Both male voices, or same guy with different voice efx
Sfx & music: Techno/club music, sfx as indicated
V1. THERE ARE TWO KINDS OF PEOPLE. THOSE WHO LEAD. (echo THOSE WHO LEAD)
V2. ...AND THOSE WHO FOLLOW. (sfx sheep "Baa")
V1. AND THERE ARE TWO KINDS OF NIGHTCLUBS. THOSE WHO INITIATE.
V2. ...AND THOSE WHO IMITATE... (echo Imitate a few times)
V1. DON'T SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS THAN THE BEST.
V2. YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT.
V1. YOU KNOW YOU NEED IT.
V2. AND NOW YOU'RE GONNA GET IT. (sfx "Whip Crack")
V1. LUSCIOUS FRIDAYS AT IMPAXX NIGHTCLUB.
V2. IMPAXX NIGHTCLUB.
V1. NIAGARA'S ORIGINAL PARTY BAR IS BRINGING IT ON STRONG WITH NIAGARA'S HOTTEST FRIDAY NIGHT LADIES NIGHT DANCE PARTY.
V2. NEW ATMOSPHERE.
V1. HUGE VID-VID-VIDEO SCREEN.
V2. VIP LOUNGE
V1. PYROTECHNIC ROCKET DISPLAY
V2. AND MORE.
V1. (donut) COME GET SOME AT IMPAXX NIGHTCLUB'S LUSCIOUS FRIDAY NIGHT PARTY, WITH GREAT DRINK SPECIALS AND FREE PARKING FOR A THOUSAND CARS. AND DON'T FORGET TO RESERVE YOUR TICKETS NOW FOR THE NEW YEAR'S EVE CLUB CRAWL WITH VAN DUSEN, FEATURING A 25 DOLLAR OPEN BAR. CALL 905-371-2529. 905-371-2529.
V1. IT'S LUSCIOUS FRIDAY.
V2. LUSCIOUS FRIDAY.
V1. AT IMPAXX NIGHTCLUB. PYRAMID PLACE NEXT TO THE SKYLON TOWER, NIAGARA FALLS, CANADA. LEAVE THE FLOCK BEHIND. (sfx sheep "Baa")
Impaxx - "Scratch-Off Tickets"
Voices: Male announcer, various other voices as indicated
Sfx & music: Upbeat club music
V1. I DO IT WITH MY LEFT HAND.
V2. (female) I DO IT WITH MY RIGHT INDEX FINGER.
V3. I JUST USE A COIN.
ANNCR. IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW YOU DO IT - JUST GET DOWN TO IMPAXX NIGHTCLUB THIS FRIDAY NIGHT AND GRAB A FREE SCRATCH OFF TICKET AT THE DOOR. THEN YOU CAN SCRATCH OFF YOUR TICKET HOWEVER YOU FEEL LIKE IT.
V4. (male) I RUB IT IN A CIRCULAR MOTION.
V5. (female)I GO UP AND DOWN, UP AND DOWN WITH MY FINGER.
ANNCR. EVERYONE HAS A CHANCE TO WIN, NO MATTER HOW YOU CHOOSE TO SCRATCH IT OFF. PLUS, IT'S ANOTHER LUSCIOUS FRIDAY LADIES NIGHT AT IMPAXX NIGHTCLUB. WITH NO COVER, AND PARKING FOR A THOUSAND CARS.
V6. (male) I GET MY GIRLFRIEND TO HELP ME DO IT.
V7. (female) I LIKE TO DO IT NICE AND SLOW.
ANNCR. SO BRING YOUR FRIENDS. BRING YOUR FINGERS. AND PREPARE TO GET LUCKY AT IMPAXX NIGHTCLUB THIS FRIDAY NIGHT, WHERE EVERYONE GETS A SCRATCH OFF TICKET, AND EVERYONE HAS A CHANCE TO WIN.
V8. (female) CAN YOU HELP ME DO IT?
ANNCR. IMPAXX NIGHTCLUB. AT PYRAMID PLACE NEXT TO THE SKYLON TOWER, NIAGARA FALLS, CANADA.
Pier - "Happy Hour"
Voices: Dennis Leary impersonator
Sfx & music: None
ALL RIGHT THERE, I WANNA SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT ABOUT THIS PIER THING. YOU KNOW HOW IT GOES - THE PIER IS SUMMER. BUT WHAT THE HECK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? I MEAN, IS IT AN ANALOGY OR SOMETHING? IS SUMMER SYMBOLIC OF SOMETHING ELSE?
YOU WANT MY OPINION? I THINK WHAT THEY'RE TALKIN' ABOUT IS THE PIER'S FRIDAY HAPPY HOUR. NO CLOWNS, NO BALLOONS, NO GAMES, AND NO SISSY-FOO-FOO DRINKS WITH UMBRELLAS IN EM.
WHATTA THEY GOT? THEY GOT BEER. HOW MUCH BEER? A LOT OF BEER. OK? AND HOW MUCH ARE YOU GONNA PAY FOR BEER AT THE PIER DURING FRIDAY HAPPY HOUR? A QUARTER.
THAT'S RIGHT. 25 CENTS FOR AN ICE COLD CAN OF LABBATS BLUE. NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YA? OK SMART GUY, HOW ABOUT BUY ONE GET ONE TOP SHELF THEN. HOW CAN YOU GO WRONG?
YOU GOT YOUR CHEAP BEER OVER HERE, BUY ONE GET ONE DRINKS OVER THERE, GOOD LOOKIN GUYS OVER THERE, GOOD LOOKIN GIRLS OVER HERE, AND A HUGE LAKE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU.
I'LL MAKE IT SIMPLE FOR YA. GET YOUR BUTT OFF THE COUCH, GET OUT OF THE CITY, GET DOWN TO THE LAKESIDE AND GET 25 CENT LABBATTS BLUE AND BUY ONE GET ONE TOP SHELF DURING THE PIER'S FRIDAY HAPPY HOUR. GOT IT? GOOD.
Pier - "X Marks The Spot"
Voices: V1.Male, V2.Female
Sfx & music: High Energy dance music where indicated, X-files theme
(X-Files intro - 2 to 3 seconds, then under as bed)
V1. LISTEN TO THIS MULLY. STRANGE LIGHTS AND SOUNDS REPORTED IN BUFFALO. PEOPLE ARE LOSING TRACK OF TIME, WITH A STRANGE COMPULSION TO RETURN, NIGHT AFTER NIGHT, TO THE SAME SPOT. IT'S A CLASSIC UFO ABDUCTION SCENARIO.
V2. NO SCOLDER. IT'S THE PIER.
(music in - high energy dance)
ANNCR. BUFFALO'S BIGGEST NIGHTCLUB ATTRACTION IS BACK. THE PIER. PARTY OUTSIDE ON THE PATIO, OR HEAD INDOORS INTO A HIGH ENERGY WONDERLAND. RAIN OR SHINE, X MARKS THE SPOT AT THE PIER.
(:20 donut)
(sfx gulls, waves crashing) THE PIER...IS...SUMMER...
(:05 tag)
Food & Drink
Bisonte Pizza - "Delivery Boy"
Voices: V1.Confused homeowner, V2.Delivery Boy, V3.Crotchety old man
Sfx & music: See below
(sfx knock on door, door opening)
V2. HERE'S YOUR DELIVERY FROM BISONTE PIZZA.
V1. WHAT? I DIDN'T ORDER ANYTHING FROM BISONTE.
V2. WELL AREN'T YOU MR. JOHNSON? ISN'T THIS 116 OAK STREET?
V1. NO, I'M MR. JENSON, AND THIS IS 119 OAK STREET. SEE, THE 6 WAS UPSIDE DOWN.
V2. OH, SORRY! I'LL JUST DELIVER THIS NEXT DOOR THEN.
V1. WAIT...THAT SMELLS PRETTY GOOD. WHAT IS THAT?
V2. A LARGE BUFFALO STYLE PIZZA, MADE WITH BISONTE'S OWN SPECIAL HOT SAUCE, MOZZARELLA CHEESE AND DICED CHICKEN TENDERS. JUST 9.99!
V1. AND THAT SUB SMELLS GREAT!
V2. IT'S A BAKED SICILIAN PEPPER SUB. WITH BISONTE'S SECRET RECIPE OF HERBS AND SPICES SAUTEED IN ITALIAN SAUCE ALONG WITH TONS OF PEPPERS AND ONIONS. THEN BAKED WITH MELTED MOZZARELLA ALONG WITH ITALIAN SAUSAGE, SIRLOIN STEAK OR CHICKEN FINGERS. JUST 4.99! IT'S THE HOTTEST SUB IN BUFFALO.
V1. HMMMM...TELL YOU WHAT. HERE'S 25 BUCKS. KEEP THE CHANGE, AND DON'T TELL JOHNSON I GOT HIS PIZZA. OOPS...GOTTA GO(sfx door slam)
V3. JENSON? WHAT'S GOING ON OVER THERE? DID YOU GET MY PIZZA AGAIN? JENSON!
ANNCR. BISONTE PIZZA COMPANY. 3757 SOUTH PARK IN BLASDELL AND IN THE TOPS PLAZA AT TRANSIT AND FRENCH IN LANCASTER. IN BLASDELL, CALL 824-2475. AND IN LANCASTER, CALL 656-2222.
Cambria's - "Enhanced Radio"
Voices: Sensual Male read
Sfx & music: Sensual music, radio tuning sfx as shown
CAMBRIA'S RESTAURANT, HOME OF THE HOMEMADES FOR OVER 35 YEARS, IS PROUD TO PRESENT THIS "ENHANCED" RADIO COMMERCIAL. IF YOU HAVE AN ENHANCED RADIO, TURN UP YOUR SENSORY CONTROLS NOW.
(sfx tuning radio in)
(one second pause)(music in)
PICTURE THE WARM, PERSONAL DINING ROOM AT CAMBRIA'S. YOU'RE SKIMMING THROUGH THE INCREDIBLE MENU OF HOMEMADE FOODS AVAILABLE. NOW, (sfx sniff sniff) SMELL.
(one second pause)
AHH...SMELL THAT GARLIC BREAD, LOADED WITH TOMATOES, CHEESE AND SEASONINGS. AND THAT FRESH, HOMEMADE LASAGNA IN CAMBRIA'S FAMOUS MARINARA SAUCE.
(one second pause)
NOW TASTE. ISN'T THAT THE FRESHEST HOMEMADE GNOCCI YOU'VE EVER TASTED? AND SAVOR THAT WORLD FAMOUS MADE-TO-ORDER ANTIPASTO, ACCOMPANIED BY ONE OF CAMBRIA'S MANY FINE WINES.
DON'T HAVE AN ENHANCED RADIO? YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO GO TO CAMBRIA'S, OF COURSE! 63-54 TRANSIT ROAD, A QUARTER MILE SOUTH OF GENESSEE IN DEPEW. CALL 683-88-43.
(:05 TAG SPACE)
E.B. Green's Steakhouse - "A Touch of Class"
Voices: Elegant Female read
Sfx & music: Jazzy music bed
SOMETIMES IT'S NICE TO LOOK BACK WITH NOSTALGIA TO A SIMPLER, MORE ELEGANT TIME. SIPPING MARTINIS. LISTENING TO LOUNGE MUSIC. AND DINING ON A CHOICE STEAK AT E.B. GREEN'S STEAKHOUSE.
E.B. GREEN'S STEAKHOUSE IS BRINGING BEEF BACK INTO STYLE WITH A SYNTHESIS OF ELEGANT FINE-DINING AND THE SAVORY SIMPLICITY OF A WELL-GRILLED STEAK. THERE IS NO BETTER PLACE TO GO FOR STEAK.
E.B. GREEN'S STEAKHOUSE SERVES ONLY THE FINEST CUTS OF MEAT. DELICIOUS DOUBLE-CUT FILET. 22 OUNCE PORK CHOPS. 2 AND 3 POUND FRESH MAINE LOBSTERS. TUNA STEAKS. SWORDFISH. AND MORE.
E.B. GREEN'S ALSO OFFERS THE BEST ENTERTAINMENT, WITH JACKIE JACKO AND JOE PETERS PERFORMING WEDNESDAY THROUGH SATURDAY NIGHTS TO STANDING ROOM ONLY CROWDS. AND FOR THOSE SPECIAL OCCASIONS, E.B. GREEN'S FEATURES THE IMPRESSIVE AMBIENCE OF THE DIRECTOR'S ROOM., PERFECT FOR PRIVATE PARTIES AND MEETINGS.
BEFORE THE SHOW OR THE GAME, THERE'S NO BETTER WAY TO CELEBRATE THAN DINNER AT E.B. GREEN'S STEAKHOUSE, AND THERE'S NO BETTER HOLIDAY GIFT THAN AN E.B. GREEN'S GIFT CERTIFICATE. FOR RESERVATIONS OR GIFT CERTIFICATES, CALL 855-4870. 855-4870. E.B. GREEN'S STEAKHOUSE. IN THE HYATT REGENCY IN DOWNTOWN BUFFALO, WITH COMPLIMENTARY VALET PARKING.
Koffee Krazy - "Koffee Krazies"
Voices: V1.Doctor, V2.Mr. Johnson, Anncr.Male
Sfx & music: Sfx as shown
V1. (sfx heart monitor beeping) WELL, MR JOHNSON, I'M AFRAID YOUR WIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME. SHE'S GOT THE COFFEE CRAZIES.
V2. THE WHAT?
V1. THE COFFEE CRAZIES. IT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN PEOPLE GO TO KOFFEE KRAZY IN THE GETZVILLE PLAZA. KOFFEE KRAZY HAS A MIND-BOGGLING VARIETY OF COFFEE, PASTRIES AND OTHER TREATS.
V2. WHAT DO YOU MEAN DOC?
V1. WELL, FOR STARTERS KOFFEE KRAZY HAS A WIDE VARIETY OF FLAVORED COFFEES. LIKE SWISS MOCHA ALMOND, HAZELNUT, VANILLA, CHOCOLATE TRUFFLE, ORANGE CAPPUCINO AND LOTS MORE.
V2. WOW!
V1. AND THEN THERE'S KOFFEE KRAZY'S SPECIAL HOLIDAY FLAVORS, LIKE IRISH CREME EGGNOG, CREME DE MENTHE AND CANDY CANE.
V2. (insane little giggle) WOO-HOO!
V1. AND KOFFEE KRAZY ALSO HAS BAGELS, MUFFINS, DONUTS AND PASTRIES. AND FOR LUNCH, THEY'VE GOT SOUPS TO DIE FOR, LIKE CREAM OF POTATO AND CAULIFLOWER CHEESE, PLUS SALADS, STUFFED PITAS AND...
V2. (insane laugh) THEY'VE GOT SO MANY TASTY TREATS! I'M GOING OVER THERE RIGHT NOW!
V1. MR JOHNSON! COME BACK! THE COFFEE CRAZIES ARE CONTAGIOUS!
(tag) YOU'LL GO NUTS FOR KOFFEE KRAZY. IN THE GETZVILLE PLAZA, 2345 MILLERSPORT HIGHWAY. STOP IN THIS WEEK AND GET A LARGE COFFEE FOR ONLY 99 CENTS.
Mr. Bill's Restaurant - "Just the Fax"
Voices: V1.Joe Friday, V2.A dame
Sfx & music: Film noir music
V1. I WAS CHECKING MY FAX WHEN THIS DAME WALKED IN.
V2. YOU HAVE TO HELP ME DETECTIVE! MY HUSBAND IS MISSING!
V1. WELL LET'S THINK ABOUT THIS. DID HE LEAVE YOU ANY CLUES?
V2. YES...HE SAID HE WAS GOING TO A RESTAURANT WITH A CASUAL AND COMFORTABLE ATMOSPHERE.
V1. A PLACE YOU COULD DINE OR RELAX WITH FAMILY AND FRIENDS? I THINK THE FAX WILL TELL US WHERE HE IS. DID HE MENTION HOMEMADE SOUPS AND SALADS, JUMBO SANDWICHES, SUBS, ITALIAN SPECIALTIES AND FULL COURSE DINNERS?
V2. (excited) WHY, YES!
V1. AND DID HE TALK ABOUT GREAT SPECIALS, LIKE WEDNESDAY AND FRIDAY FISH FRIES AND PRIME RIB FOR TWO ON SATURDAYS?
V2. (excited) YES! WHERE IS HE?
V1. HE'S AT MISTER BILL'S RESTAURANT AND BAR, MA'AM.
V2. HOW DO YOU KNOW?
V1. JUST A FAX, MA'AM. I'M IN THE MISTER BILL'S FAX CLUB, SO I GET THEIR LUNCH SPECIALS FAXED TO ME DAILY. JUST CALL 634-0783 TO TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND AND GET MORE INFORMATION ABOUT MR BILL'S. 634-0783.
V2. OH DETECTIVE, HOW CAN I EVER REPAY YOU?
V1. BY TAKING ME TO LUNCH OR DINNER AT MR. BILL'S RESTAURANT. 1500 CLEVELAND DRIVE IN CHEEKTOWAGA. OPEN WEEKDAYS FROM 11 AM, SATURDAYS AFTER 3. GREAT FOOD, GREAT SPECIALS - THAT'S MR. BILL'S.
Pizzaworks Etc. - "Coach"
Voices: V1.Player, V2.Coach, V3.Asst. Coach
Sfx & music: Football crashing sfx as shown
V1. 6-8-8-56-56! 6-8-8-56-56! (sfx crash into football dummy)
V2. THAT'S RIGHT...KEEP IT UP.
V3. HEY COACH...WHAT'S GOING ON? I THOUGHT PRACTICE WAS OVER.
V2. YUP. PRACTICE IS OVER. THE WHOLE TEAM ORDERED OUT FOR PIZZA.
V1. 6-8-8-56-56! (sfx crash into football dummy)
V3. SO WHAT'S WITH KOWALSKI THERE?
V1. 6-88-56-56! (sfx crash into football dummy)
V2. LOUDER KOWALSKI! WELL, MR. LINEBACKER HERE DECIDED TO ORDER ONE OF THOSE BARGAIN CARDBOARD PIZZAS FROM SOME NO-NAME NEIGHBORHOOD PIZZA PLACE. HE BOUGHT FOR PRICE, NOT QUALITY.
V1. 6-88-56-56!
V2. SO I DECIDED TO TEACH KOWALSKI A LESSON, BY MAKING HIM REPEAT THE PHONE NUMBER FOR PIZZA WORKS ET CETERA WHILE HE RUNS INTO THAT FOOTBALL DUMMY.
V1. 6-88-56-56! 6-88-56-56! (sfx crash into football dummy)
V2. PIZZAWORKS ET CETERA HAS A LARGE ONE-TOPPING PIZZA FOR 6-99, OR 2 LARGE ONE-TOPPING PIZZAS FOR 12-99. OR THEY'LL TAILOR A PIZZA PACKAGE TO FIT THE NUMBER OF HUNGRY FOOTBALL FANS YOU'VE GOT. AND THEY'RE A PROUD SPONSOR OF THE SPECIAL OLYMPICS.
V1. 6-88-56-56! 6-88-56-56! (sfx crash into football dummy)
ANNCR. PIZZA WORKS ET CETERA. IN THE MAPLE/NORTH FOREST PLAZA IN AMHERST. CALL TODAY. 6-8-8-56-56. 6-8-8-56-56.
Shelly Wieners - "Dear Shelly"
Voices: Sad Male read
Sfx & music: Sad, romantic music
DEAR SHELLY,
IT SEEMS LIKE YEARS SINCE I LAST SAW YOU. I REALIZE IT'S ONLY BEEN A FEW HOURS, BUT MY HEART HAS ALREADY WEPT A THOUSAND TIMES SINCE YOU FINALLY WENT AWAY.
OH SHELLY, WORDS CAN'T DESCRIBE HOW I FELT WHEN I HELD YOU FOR THE LAST TIME. CARESSING YOUR TENDER SKIN. PLACING MY LIPS CLOSE. AND THEN POURING KETCHUP ALL OVER YOU AND EATING YOU.
YES, SHELLY BRAND WIENERS, YOU WERE MY ONE TRUE LOVE. MADE WITH REAL PORK, BEEF AND CHICKEN, WITH NO MSG TO COME BETWEEN US. YOUR ONE, THREE AND FIVE POUND BAGS ARE SO CONVENIENT.
BUT ALAS, DEAR SHELLY WIENER, YOU ARE GONE FOR GOOD. I ATE THE LAST ONE THIS AFTERNOON, AND NOW I HAVE TO GO SHOPPING ONCE AGAIN.
(tag) SHELLY WIENERS AND BACON ARE AVAILABLE AT QUALITY AND JUBILEE, AND SHELLY BOLOGNA CAN BE FOUND AT TOPS FRIENDLY MARKETS. SO STOP IN TODAY AND FALL IN LOVE WITH SHELLY.
Subway Subs - "General Quarter"
Voices: V1.Friendly Employee, V2.Gruff Southern General
Sfx & music: Sensual music, radio tuning sfx as shown
V1. (sfx phone ring) SUBWAY SUBS, EASTVIEW PLAZA. HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
V2. THIS IS GENERAL QUARTER FROM THE U.S. NAVY. I NEED A SUB. PRONTO.
V1. WELL, WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE ON YOUR SUB.
V2. WELL, WE'LL NEED THE USUAL. RADAR, SONAR. A FEW TORPEDOS.
V1. UH...SORRY SIR. YOU MUST HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER.
V2. ISN'T THIS 688-2758? CAN'T I GET A SUBMARINE THERE?
V1. SURE. YOU CAN GET A 6 INCH OR A 12 INCH SUB, LOADED WITH YOUR CHOICE OF ONIONS, TOMATOES, LETTUCE AND MORE. WE HAVE HAM, TURKEY, TUNA, HOT MEATBALL AND CHICKEN SUBS. SALADS. VALUE MEALS STARTING AT 2.99. AND KIDS PAK MEALS FOR CHILDREN.
V2. A 12 INCH SUB? I NEED SOMETHING A LITTLE BIGGER. SOMETHING FOR A 50 MAN CREW, LET'S SAY.
V1. WELL, WE ALSO HAVE PARTY SUBS UP TO 6 FEET LONG OR LONGER, PREPARED JUST THE WAY YOU LIKE. AND YOU CAN GET PLATTERS THAT SERVE 50 OR MORE, WITH ITALIAN OR WHEAT BREAD OR DELI STYLE ROLLS.
V2. OK, I'LL TAKE ME ONE OF THEM LONG SUBS. 'BOUT 100 FOOT, I THINK.
V1. A 100 FOOT SUB? WHAT SORT OF EVENT IS THIS FOR?
V2. THAT'S CLASSIFIED, SON.
ANNCR. SUBWAY SANDWICHES AND SALADS. AT THE CORNER OF MAPLE AND TRANSIT IN THE EASTVIEW PLAZA, WILLIAMSVILLE. OPEN TILL 1 AM FOR THE 4TH OF JULY. CALL 688-2758. 688-2758.
Tailgators - "Bill & Monica"
Voices: V1.Bill, V2.Monica(bubbly giggly girl)
Sfx & music: None
V1. HEY THERE. THIS IS BILL, AND I WANNA TALK TO YOU ABOUT THE THREE KINDS OF TAILGATOR. THERE'S THAT GUY THAT DRIVES REAL CLOSE BEHIND YOU. THERE'S THAT GUY WHO PARTIES BEFORE A FOOTBALL GAME. AND THEN THERE'S MONICA AND ME. SAY HI MONICA.
V2. HI! I'M A TAILGATOR! HI MOM! HI! I'M ON THE RADIO!
V1. (interrupts) THAT'S ENOUGH MONICA. THEN THERE'S THE THIRD KIND OF TAILGATOR - TAILGATORS PUB AND GRUB, 675 DELAWARE AVENUE AT NORTH IN BUFFALO. TAILGATORS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE PLACES TO GO WHEN I WANT TO CHAT WITH MY BUDDY NETANYAHU. AND I HEAR THAT NEWT AND TED LOVE TO HEAD TO TAILGATORS TO GRAB A DRINK OR TWO...OR TEN.
V2. AND DON'T FORGET ME BILLY WILLY.
V1. OF COURSE. I TAKE ALL MY INTERNS THERE. THEY'VE GOT GREAT BURGERS, SANDWICHES AND SUBS. PIZZA, WINGS AND FINGERS. EVEN FRENCH FRIES...AND YOU KNOW HOW I LOVE FRENCH FRIES.
V2. REMIND THEM TO GO DOWN.
V1. (clenched teeth) MONICA...I'M NOT SURE...
V2. TO GET TO TAILGATORS SILLY.
V1. OH...YES...THAT'S RIGHT. TAILGATORS IS RIGHT AT THE CORNER OF DELAWARE AND NORTH, AND YOU'VE GOTTA GO DOWN STAIRS TO GET THERE. SO REMEMBER. WHETHER YOU WANT TO EAT-IN, TAKE-OUT, HAVE A BANQUET OR JUST A GREAT TIME IN ONE OF BUFFALO'S LARGEST LEGAL SMOKING AREAS, CALL TAILGATORS AT 885-1000. THE DOWNTOWN BAR WITH A NEIGHBORHOOD ATMOSPHERE.
Holidays
WGR 55 Promo - "12 Days of Christmas"
Voices: Male read
Sfx & music: Upbeat, quirky music. Sfx as indicated.
EVERYBODY KNOWS ABOUT THE 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS. BUT WHEN THE HECK ARE THEY? IS IT THE 12 DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS? THE 12 DAYS AFTER CHRISTMAS?
(sfx McKenzie Brothers drop 'Where do you get 12?" "Well, there's two Saturdays and Sundays in there, that's four, that's...nine.")
WELL, WGR 55 HAS FIGURED IT OUT, AND THAT MEANS IT'S YOUR CHANCE TO WIN DURING THE WGR 55 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS CONTEST! JUST VISIT ANY OF THE PARTICIPATING LOCATIONS AND FILL OUT AN ENTRY FORM. THEN LISTEN EVERY WEEKDAY MORNING BETWEEN DECEMBER FIRST AND DECEMBER 17TH.
(as an aside) BY THE WAY - THAT'S 12 DAYS.
TOM BAUERLE WILL ANNOUNCE ONE WINNER A DAY AND PRESENT THEM WITH A GIFT FROM ONE OF THE ENTRY LOCATIONS. GIFT CERTIFICATES. GOLD. JEWELRY. POWER TOOLS. MAIDS A' MILKING. WHO KNOWS!?!
THEN TUNE IN ON DECEMBER 17TH WHEN TOM WILL DRAW FROM ALL THE CONTESTANTS FOR THE GRAND PRIZE - A ROYAL CARRIBBEAN CRUISE, MARCH 8TH THROUGH THE 15TH!
(sfx crowd 'oooooooh')
BUT YOU CAN'T WIN IF YOU DON'T ENTER, SO BE SURE TO VISIT ONE OF THE FOLLOWING LOCATIONS BEFORE DECEMBER 17TH:
(rotating donut goes here)
ENTER TODAY IN THE WGR 55 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS CONTEST!
(disclaimer read) PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE NOT INCLUDED.
Niagara Fitness - "Stuffed"
Voices: Male read
Sfx & music: Christmas music
AH...THE HOLIDAYS. EVERYONE LOVES THE HOLIDAYS. THE GIFT-GIVING. THE EATING. THE SHARING. THE EATING. THE FAMILY. THE EATING.
DID I MENTION THE EATING?
ARE YOU STUFFED WITH STUFFING? IS YOUR STOMACH STARTING TO LOOK LIKE A BOWL FULL OF JELLY? WHEN VISIONS OF SUGARPLUMS DANCE IN YOUR HEAD, ARE YOU TRYING TO EAT THEM?
IF YOU NEED TO GET IN SHAPE THIS HOLIDAY SEASON, THEN NIAGARA FITNESS HAS EVERYTHING YOU NEED. CARDIOVASCULAR EQUIPMENT. FREE WEIGHTS. AEROBICS. AND A FRIENDLY, KNOWLEDGEABLE STAFF.
AND HOW ABOUT THIS FOR A CHRISTMAS PRESENT - JOIN RIGHT NOW AND ENJOY A 3 MONTH REGULAR MEMBERSHIP FOR JUST 99 BUCKS. THAT'S RIGHT. 3 MONTHS, 99 BUCKS. AND WE AIN'T TALKIN' REINDEER HERE, WE'RE TALKIN' A DOLLAR SHY OF A BENJAMIN.
NOW THERE'S TWO WAYS TO GET A MEMBERSHIP AT NIAGARA FITNESS. YOU COULD WRITE SANTA CLAUS A LETTER AND HOPE FOR THE BEST. OR YOU COULD TAKE MATTERS INTO YOUR OWN HANDS AND PICK UP THE PHONE.
CALL 297-0707. THAT'S 297-0707 FOR NIAGARA FITNESS.15-75 MILITARY ROAD, NIAGARA FALLS. HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM NIAGARA FITNESS.
Outdoors Cabin Sport Shop - "Paintball"
Voices: Male read
Sfx & music: See below
IT ALL STARTED ON THANKSGIVING WHEN UNCLE JOE ASKED YOU TO PULL HIS FINGER. ON CHRISTMAS EVE, AUNT MATILDA PRESENTED YOU WITH A PAIR OF FUZZY PINK SLIPPERS. AND ON NEW YEAR'S EVE, YOUR BROTHER-IN-LAW WAS INVOLVED IN AN UNFORTUNATE INCIDENT INVOLVING A BOWL OF SALSA AND YOUR BRAND NEW PERSIAN RUG.
LISTEN DUDE, YOU NEED TO TAKE OUT YOUR AGGRESSIONS BEFORE YOU SNAP. YOU NEED PAINTBALL GEAR FROM THE OUTDOORS CABIN SPORT SHOP!!!!!
(rock music in, fast and driving, with shouting and yelling sfx throughout)
WINTER'S FINALLY OVER, SO GET OUTSIDE AND RELIEVE SOME STRESS WITH PAINTBALL SUPPLIES FROM THE OUTDOORS CABIN SPORT SHOP, WESTERN NEW YORK'S NUMBER ONE DISTRIBUTOR OF PAINTBALL EQUIPMENT AND ACCESSORIES.
PAINTBALL IS THE PERFECT WAY TO GET MEN, WOMEN AND CHILDREN TOGETHER IN A FUN, SAFE OUTDOORS SETTING!
GIVE UNCLE JIM WHAT HE'S BEEN ASKING FOR! (dripping with sarcasm)AND SHOW GRANDMA HOW MUCH YOU REALLY APPRECIATE THAT FISH TIE!
EVERYONE WILL HAVE A BLAST WITH PAINTBALL GEAR FROM THE OUTDOORS CABIN SPORT SHOP! 5319 TRANSIT ROAD, JUST SOUTH OF BROADWAY IN DEPEW. FOR MORE INFORMATION, CALL 683-12-11. 683-12-11.
Queen City Collision - "Christmas Songs"
Voices: V1.Male, V2.Worried Female
Sfx & music: Faint Christmas music
(sfx bell tree)(Xmas music in, faintly)
V1. WELCOME TO QUEEN CITY COLLISION. HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
V2. I HAVE A PROBLEM. YOU SEE, I WAS DASHING THROUGH THE SNOW...
V1. IN A ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH?
V2. NO...UH...IN MY BOYFRIEND JACK'S CAR. I WAS ON MY WAY TO MY GRANDMOTHER'S HOUSE. SHE LIVES...
V1. OVER THE RIVER AND THROUGH THE WOODS?
V2. NO. SHE LIVES OFF BROADWAY. ANYWAY, I WAS IN A BIT OF A HURRY. SEE, GRANDMA'S GOT CHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE, AND...
V1. AND JACK FROST WAS NIPPING AT YOUR NOSE?
V2. AS IF! JACK IS WAITING FOR ME AT GRANDMAS. I HIT A PATCH OF ICE AND GOT IN AN ACCIDENT. OHHHH... JACK TOLD ME TO WATCH OUT...
V1. YOU BETTER NOT CRY, AND YOU BETTER NOT POUT. I'LL TELL YOU WHY.
V2. SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN?
V1. NOPE. BECAUSE QUEEN CITY COLLISION WILL HAVE YOUR CAR AS GOOD AS NEW IN NO TIME. WE'VE GOT EXPERT COLOR MATCHING, AND WE CAN EVEN HELP YOU OUT WITH A FREE LOANER WHILE WE REPAIR YOUR CAR.
V2. GREAT! AND THEN I'LL BE CRUISING ALONG, SINGING A SONG...
V1 & V2. (pref. sung) DRIVING IN A WINTER WONDERLAND!
ANNCR. DON'T LET A LITTLE ACCIDENT RUIN YOUR HOLIDAYS. HEAD TO QUEEN CITY COLLISION. 35 COMET AVENUE AT DELAWARE AND KENMORE IN BUFFALO. CALL 877-4219. 877-4219. QUEEN CITY COLLISION.
The Well - "Christmas Eve Eve Eve"
Voices: Male read
Sfx & music: Christmas music for intro and outro, see below for changes
TWAS THREE NIGHTS BEFORE CHRISTMAS, AND ALL THROUGH THE TOWN,
NOT A NIGHTCLUB WAS STIRRING, NOT A PARTY TO BE FOUND.
SUDDENLY ON HERTEL AVENUE, THERE AROSE SUCH A CLATTER,
I RAN TO THE WELL TO SEE WHAT WAS THE MATTER!
(dance music in)
OH YEAH - YOU KNOW WHAT'S THE MATTER, BUFFALO! IT'S THE WELL'S FIRST ANNUAL CHRISTMAS EVE EVE EVE PARTY! THAT'S RIGHT - THIS MONDAY NIGHT AT THE WELL, IT'S TIME TO PARTY!
GUYS, STOP ON DOWN EARLY AND CHECK OUT THE GAME ON THE BIG SCREENS, AS MIAMI TAKES ON THEIR ARCH RIVAL NEW ENGLAND IN THE ALL-IMPORTANT AFC EAST DIVISION CHAMPIONSHIP GAME!
THERE'LL BE 25 CENT DRAFTS FROM 9 TO 11. BUCK FIFTY MOLSONS ALL NIGHT. AND 2 DOLLAR CROWN ROYAL ANY WAY YOU LIKE IT.
AND LADIES, HOW DO YOU LIKE THIS - IT'S LADIES NIGHT, SO YOU'RE DRINKIN ALL NIGHT LONG FOR JUST ONE LOW PRICE. HOW'S THAT FOR AN EARLY CHRISTMAS PRESENT?
(dance music out, christmas music in)
SO LISTEN UP LADIES, AND HEY - YOU TOO, FELLAHS.
14-59 HERTEL'S THE PLACE WHERE THE WELL IS.
STOP DOWN FOR THE PARTY, AND YOU'LL FEEL ALL RIGHT,
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.
Sex
Antoinette's Sweets - "Springtime"
Voices: V1.Female, V2.Horny male
Sfx & music: Light music
V1. AH. IT'S FINALLY SPRING. AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.
V2. I SURE DO, MY LOVE.
V1. BECAUSE IN SPRING, AS THEY SAY, A PERSON'S FANCY TURNS TO YOU KNOW WHAT...
V2. SAY IT, MY SWEET.
V1. (ecstatic) CHOCOLATE.
V2. (surprised) WHAT?!?
V1. (ignoring his surprise) MMMMMMM. CHOCOLATE. AND OF COURSE, THERE'S ONLY ONE PLACE TO GET ALL OF THE FINE CHOCOLATES I LOVE. ANTOINETTE'S SWEETS IN WEST SENECA. THEY'VE GOT AN INCREDIBLE VARIETY OF CANDY, ICE CREAM AND LUSCIOUS CHOCOLATES, INCLUDING THE BEST SPONGE CANDY IN ALL OF WESTERN NEW YORK...
V2. (behind V1) CHOCOLATE? CHOCOLATE? SHE WANTS CHOCOLATE?
V1. ...AND ANTOINETTE'S ALSO HAS THEIR SOUTHTOWNS CAFE, WHERE I CAN KICK BACK AND ENJOY A CAPPUCINO OR ESPRESSO IN A RELAXING, SOCIAL ATMOSPHERE. AFTER MAY, I CAN EVEN ENJOY A HOT FUDGE SUNDAE ON THEIR OUTDOOR PATIO DURING MY COFFEE BREAK.
V2. BUT...BUT...I THOUGHT...I...
V1. YES, MY LOVE. I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT.
V2. (shocked) YOU DO? (then, romantic again) I MEAN, YOU DO, HM?
V1. YES. YOU WANT TO GO TO ANTOINETTE'S SWEETS WITH ME, AT THE CORNER OF MAIN AND UNION IN WEST SENECA. SO WE CAN EXPERIENCE THEIR FINE CHOCOLATES AND SOUTHTOWNS CAFE TOGETHER. AND THEN AFTERWARDS...
V2. (hopeful) YES?
V1. YOU CAN GO BACK TO ANTOINETTE'S SWEETS AND ORDER SOME MORE CHOCOLATES FOR ME.
Club Chit-Chat - "Canadians"
Voices: V1.Border Guard, V2. & V3.Canadian dudes
Sfx & music: Car engine noises
V1. HELLO GUYS. WHAT'S YOUR CITIZENSHIP.
V2. UH...WE'RE LIKE AMERICANS, AY.
V3. DON'T SAY AY, MAN, AY?
V1. ALRIGHT.. WHAT HAVE YOU GUYS BEEN DOING IN BUFFALO TILL 4 AM?
V3. UH...WE WERE LIKE...UH...GOING TO...VISIT SOME FRIENDS, AY?
V2. YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, AY? SOME...UH...FEMALE FRIENDS.
V1. YOU BOYS WEREN'T AT CLUB CHIT-CHAT AGAIN, WERE YOU?
V2. I TOLD YOU WE WOULDN'T GET AWAY WITH IT, AY?
V1. AND WHAT DOES CLUB CHIT CHAT HAVE THAT CANADIAN CLUBS DON'T?
V2. BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.
V3. (sfx slap) SHUT UP, AY? CLUB CHIT CHAT'S GOT LIKE LOW DRINK PRICES. AND THE BEST ENTERTAINMENT FOR LIKE OVER 20 YEARS, AY?
V2. SO CAN WE LIKE DRIVE THRU, AY?
V1. NO. SORRY, BUT WE CAN'T HAVE OUR CANADIAN BOYS GOING TO THE U.S. TO VISIT CLUB CHIT CHAT. YOU WANNA PULL OVER THERE PLEASE?
V2. THIS ISN'T FAIR, AY? WE'RE LIKE AMERICANS. WE HAVE RIGHTS, AY?
V3. TOO LATE. WE'RE BUSTED. I HOPE THEY DON'T DO A CAVITY SEARCH.
ANNCR. CLUB CHIT-CHAT. TASTEFUL ADULT ENTERTAINMENT WITH A DASH OF STYLE, AND COMING SOON, TASTY FOOD WITH A DASH OF SPICE FROM CLUB CHIT-CHAT'S OWN KITCHEN. 1048 CLINTON STREET JUST OFF THE I-90, MINUTES FROM DOWNTOWN BUFFALO. NO BRIDGES. NO TOLLS. AND NO BORDER HASSLES. UNLESS YOU'RE CANADIAN, THAT IS. CLUB CHIT-CHAT. AY?
Harold's Automotive - "Suggestive"
Voices: V1.Shocked Husband, V2.Sexy Female
Sfx & music: Faint sexy music
(sfx door opening and closing)
V1. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? YOUR CONVERTIBLE'S BEEN GONE ALL DAY.
V2. MMMMM...I TOOK MY CAR OVER TO HAROLD'S.
V1. I KNEW IT. SO WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT HAROLD'S?
V2. WELL, I HEARD ABOUT HAROLD'S GREAT REPUTATION, AND LET ME TELL YOU, I GOT QUICK, PROFESSIONAL SERVICE. AS SOON AS I PULLED MY CAR INTO THE GARAGE HE TOOK OFF MY OLD TOP AND WORKED ON MY UPPER BODY. THEN HE HOPPED IN THE CAR AND...WELL...I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY HOW HE DID IT, BUT LET'S JUST SAY MY BACK SEAT UPHOLSTERY WILL NEVER BE THE SAME. AND AFTER THAT, HE SHOWED ME WHAT HE COULD DO UNDER THE DASHBOARD.
V1. THE DASHBOARD? HOW COULD YOU?
V2. I'M SORRY HONEY, BUT IT WAS TIME FOR A CHANGE. THE OLD AUTO TOP NEEDED TO GO, AND THE BACK SEAT DESPERATELY NEEDED REUPHOLSTERING. AND I NEEDED A NEW CAR STEREO AND ALARM SYSTEM ANYWAY. AND SINCE HAROLD'S HAS BEEN IN BUSINESS FOR 25 YEARS, I FIGURED...
V1. CAR STEREO? ALARM SYSTEM? WHERE DID YOU SAY YOU WERE?
V2. REMEMBER, THE NAME IS HAROLD'S. HAROLD'S AUTO. 3521 SHERIDAN DRIVE. CALL THEM AT 834-9666 IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME. 834-9666. WHERE DID YOU THINK I WAS?
V1. UH...UM...
V2. AND BY THE WAY, WHERE WERE YOU ALL LAST NIGHT...
Miscellaneous
Beltone Hearing Aids - "What?"
Voices: V1.Son, V2.Mom, V3.Dad, Anncr.Male
Sfx & music: See below
V1. HI MOM...(sfx door shut) I HEARD DAD FINALLY STOPPED MAKING EXCUSES AND GOT HIS NEW HEARING AID.
V3. (from a distance) I HEARD THAT
V2. (whispered) YES DEAR...YOU KNOW HE WORRIES ABOUT HIS APPEARANCE. SO HE GOT A BELTONE INVISA. IT'S SO TINY, IT'S PRACTICALLY INVISIBLE!
V1. BELTONE? I'VE HEARD OF THEM. THEY'VE BEEN IN BUSINESS FOR 50 YEARS.
V2. THAT'S ANOTHER REASON YOUR FATHER CHOSE A BELTONE - THE QUALITY. (whispered) HE'S SO FUSSY SOMETIMES...
V3. (from a distance) I HEARD THAT.
V2...AND BELTONE HAD WHAT HE NEEDED. THE LATEST ADVANCEMENTS IN DESIGN AND TECHNOLOGY. EXPERT HEARING EVALUATIONS AND FITTING. FREE CHECK-UPS, CLEANING AND ADJUSTMENTS. A 2 YEAR WARRANTY...
V3. (from a distance) TELL HIM ABOUT THE GREAT DEAL.
V2. OH YES. WE JUST SHOWED THEM THE RECEIPT FROM YOUR FATHER'S OLD HEARING AID, AND THEY GAVE US 100 DOLLARS OFF OF THE PRICE OF A NEW INVISA!
V1. GREAT! WITH THE MONEY DAD SAVED, HE CAN AFFORD TO LOAN ME SOME MONEY!
V3. (from a distance) WHAT? WHAT WAS THAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU.
ANNCR. FOR MORE INFORMATION ON BELTONE HEARING AIDS, VISIT THEM IN BUFFALO, TONAWANDA OR BATAVIA, OR CALL 838-2340. 838-2340.
Collegiate Wireless - "Complainer"
Voices: V1.Annoying Italian Guido, Anncr.Male
Sfx & music: None
V1. YO, I'M ED. I'M A PROFESSIONAL COMPLAINER. AND I WANNA COMPLAIN ABOUT MY SPRINT PCS 100 PERCENT DIGITAL PHONE. THEY ALSO HAVE THESE DUAL-MODE PHONES FOR DIGITAL AND ANALOG SERVICE, BUT I GOT THE DIGITAL ONE.
ANYWAYS, I GOT NOTHIN' WITH THIS PHONE. THAT'S RIGHT, NOTHIN'. AND THAT'S WHY I'M COMPLAININ'. SEE, WITH SPRINT PCS I GOT NO COMMITMENT AND NO CONTRACT - I PAY FROM MONTH TO MONTH.
PLUS THERE'S NO ACTIVATION FEE, NO NETWORK CHARGES, NO ROAMING CHARGES, NO LONG DISTANCE CHARGES ON ANY INCOMING CALLS. NO CHARGE FOR THE FIRST MINUTE ON ANY INCOMING CALLS. NO CHARGE FOR 800 CALLS - YOU KNOW HOW SOME OTHER CELL PROVIDERS CHARGE YOU?
ANYWAYS, THERE'S MORE. LIKE THERE'S NO CHARGE FOR CALL WAITING, CALL FORWARDING, 3 WAY CALLING, CALLER ID OR VOICE MAIL. AND NO CHARGE FOR MY FIRST 150 MINUTES EVERY MONTH.
IN FACT, THERE'S NO ADDITIONAL HIDDEN CHARGES AT ALL. ALL I'M PAYING FOR THIS SPRINT PCS PHONE IS 29.99 A MONTH. I'M NOT GETTING NOTHING WITH THIS PHONE!
ANNCR. SOME PEOPLE WILL COMPLAIN ABOUT ANYTHING. BUT IF YOU'D LIKE TO HEAR MORE ABOUT EVERYTHING YOU WON'T GET WITH SPRINT PCS, CALL 553-5460 FOR THE SATELLITE LOCATION NEAREST YOU. 553-5460.
(disclaimer read) AVAILABLE THROUGH COLLEGIATE WIRELESS.
Council Opticians - "About An Hour"
Voices: Various silly voices, then Male Announcer
Sfx & music: See below
(sfx hospital noises, beeping heart monitor)
V1. DON'T WORRY MRS. STEVENS, YOUR HUSBAND'S IN THE HANDS OF EXPRT SURGEONS. WE'LL HAVE THAT HEART OF HIS GOOD AS NEW IN ABOUT AN HOUR. (sfx flatline, then out)
(sfx small plane noises)
V2. ALRIGHT MR. GREEN, YOU'VE BEEN FLYING THIS PLANE FOR ABOUT AN HOUR NOW - TIME TO TAKE CONTROL! (sfx plane nosedives, crashes)
(music in)
ANNCR. THERE ARE SOME THINGS IN LIFE THAT JUST CAN'T BE RUSHED. SURE, THE MALL'S GREAT FOR BUYING CLOTHES AND SEEING MOVIES, BUT WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR EYES, YOU SHOULD LEAVE IT TO THE EXPERTS. COUNCIL OPTICIANS. COUNCIL OPTICIANS IS LOCALLY OWNED, SO YOU GET THE PERSONAL ATTENTION YOU DESERVE. AND WITH EIGHT LOCATIONS TRHOUGHOUT WESTERN NEW YORK, YOU'LL FIND THAT COUNCIL OPTICIANS IS JUST AS CONVENIENT AS THOSE OTHER PLACES...(music out)
(sfx gavel, crowd murmuring, judge shouting, court noises)
V3. NOT TO WORRY MISS SNYDER. I'LL HAVE THESE CHARGES AGAINST YOU DROPPED IN ABOUT AN HOUR. (sfx cell door slamming)
(music in)
ANNCR. TAKE YOUR TIME AND DO IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME. COUNCIL OPTICIANS. CHECK YOUR YELLOW PAGES FOR THE LOCATION NEAREST YOU.
Gui's Lumber - "Shopping Trip"
Voices: V1. & V2. Two Men gossiping like women
Sfx & music: Ambient shopping trip noises
V1. HEY FRED.(sfx squealing shopping cart wheels)
V2. OH, HI STEVE. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU SHOPPED AT GUI'S!
V1. OH OF COURSE, GUI'S HAS EVERYTHING I NEED AT ONE PLACE.
V2. YOU SHOPPING FOR THE WEEK?
V1. YEAH. I'M PICKING UP SOME FLAKEBOARD, A BOX OF PRE-HUNG DOORS, AND A BAG OF CARPETING. AND DID YOU SEE THE SALE ON 2 BY 4'S IN GUI'S FULL-SERVICE LUMBER YARD?
V2. YEAH, BUT I'VE GOT SOME IN THE FREEZER. I WAS JUST PICKING UP A FEW STAPLES. YOU KNOW, A GALLON OF PAINT. SOME CUSTOM MADE STAIRS. A FEW POWER TOOLS.
V1. YOU GOTTA HAVE THOSE AROUND.
V3 & V4. DAD, CAN WE GET SOME CONCRETE? CAN WE CAN WE?
V1. SURE. BUT ONLY A SMALL BAG THIS TIME. AND GET ME A DOZEN LIGHTBULBS. MAKE SURE THEY'RE NOT CRACKED!
V2. WELL, I'M OFF. GOTTA PICK UP SOME CHERRY, PINE, OAK AND POPLAR MOLDINGS.
V1. SEE YA LATER! KIDS, PUT THAT DOWN! I SAID NO TOGGLE BOLTS!
(music up)
ANNCR. FOR EVERYTHING FROM CARPETING TO CONCRETE, AND SAND TO SAFETY DEVICES, CHOOSE GUI'S LUMBER. WITH 3 CONVENIENT LOCATIONS TO SERVE YOU. PORTER ROAD IN NIAGARA FALLS, SCHOOL STREET IN NORTH COLLINS AND SHISLER ROAD IN CLARENCE. CALL 759-4000. 759-4000 FOR GUI'S.
Kiss 98.5 - "Pet Fair Promo"
Voices: Male read
Sfx & music: Quirky sfx and music - see below
DO YOU DRIVE AROUND WITH YOUR HEAD OUT THE WINDOW? DO YOU FIND YOURSELF ATTRACTED TO FIRE HYDRANTS? DO YOU LIKE RUBBER SQUEAKIE TOYS?(sfx squeak)
IF YOU HAVE ANY OF THE ABOVE SYMPTOMS, YOU'RE PROBABLY A DOG. AND IF YOU'RE A DOG, YOU'LL WANT TO HEAD OVER TO THE SPCA PET AND WILDLIFE FAIR, PRESENTED BY TOPS FRIENDLY MARKETS AND KISS 98.5.
IT'S WESTERN NEW YORK'S LARGEST PET AND WILDLIFE EVENT, WITH ANIMAL DEMONSTRATIONS, FREE SAMPLES AND COUPONS, CHILDREN'S ACTIVITIES, EXOTIC ANIMAL DISPLAYS AND MUCH MORE!
THERE'LL BE TONS OF OTHER DOGS THERE. PLUS CATS, BIRDS, REPTILES, PONIES. IT'S AN ANIMAL EXTRAVAGANZA! OH, YEAH - THERE'LL PROBABLY BE A LOT OF HUMANS THERE TOO, INCLUDING LOTS OF KIDS.
SO IF YOU'RE COVERED IN FUR AND YOU DRINK FROM A BOWL, DON'T MISS THE SPCA PET AND WILDLIFE FAIR, SATURDAY, MAY 16TH FROM 11 TO 4 AT THE SPCA ON ENSMINGER ROAD OFF MILITARY IN TONAWANDA.
AND IF YOU'RE A HUMAN, YOU CAN COME TOO.
THE SPCA PET AND WILDLIFE FAIR IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY...
(tag) 1. DAD'S PUPPY FOOD, DAD'S MEAL DOG FOOD, DAD'S SPECIAL FORMULA GOURMET BLEND CAT FOOD, COCA-COLA, TOPS FRIENDLY MARKETS AND KISS 98.5.
Seneca Industrial Associates - " Invisible "
Voices: V1.Male friend, V2.Male entrepreneur
Sfx & music: None
V1. HEY TIM, HOW'S BUSINESS?
V2. NOT GOOD. MAYBE I'M IN THE WRONG BUSINESS.
V1. NONSENSE. LOTS OF PEOPLE NEED INVISIBLE PAPER.
V2. THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT. YOU KNOW, INVISIBLE INK, INVISIBLE PAPER. BUT THINGS JUST AREN'T WORKING OUT.
V1. WELL NO WONDER! YOU'RE PAYING A LOT TO RENT THIS TINY OFFICE, YOUR BILLS ARE HIGH, AND DIDN'T YOU HAVE A BREAK-IN LAST MONTH?
V2. YEAH, BUT THEY DIDN'T STEAL ANY OF MY PAPER. THEY DIDN'T SEE IT.
V1. (chuckle) HAVE YOU CONSIDERED THE SENECA INDUSTRIAL CENTER?
V2. ISN'T THAT THE OLD LARKIN BUILDING?
V1. THAT'S THE PLACE. BUT NOW THEY'VE GOT 24 HOUR SECURITY. UNDERGROUND PARKING. FULL FREIGHT HANDLING SERVICES. ON SITE MANAGEMENT. AND RENT AS LOW AS A DOLLAR-25 PER SQUARE FOOT, INCLUDING TAXES, INSURANCE AND HEATING. AND IT'S IN A NEW YORK STATE ECONOMIC DEVELOPMENT ZONE, SO QUALIFIED FIRMS CAN RECEIVE CREDITS AGAINST THEIR STATE INCOME TAXES, AND GET UP TO 50 PERCENT OFF ELECTRIC BILLS FOR UP TO 10 YEARS!
V2. AND WITH THE MONEY I SAVE, I CAN EXPAND OPERATIONS! INVISIBLE NOTEBOOKS! INVISIBLE NEWSPAPERS! INVISIBLE MAGAZINES...(fade out)
ANNCR. THE SENECA INDUSTRIAL CENTER. 701 SENECA STREET, A HALF MILE FROM DOWNTOWN BUFFALO. CALL 856-0810. 856-0810.